Grief comes in many shades of gray and black. They are heavy colors. Dismal, overcast, bottomless colors. When you are in the throes of grief, even a sunny day seems black and dismal. On a gray day, the grayness feels intensified.

I was watching a series recently that brought this home to me more than ever. Now, I am not a stranger to grief. I have suffered my share of grief and many losses. This series, however, brought home to me the ruthlessness of grief.

Light Gray

Loss abounds in all our lives. There are different types of loss though aren’t there? Some come on cat paws, softly, gently, and are gone quickly. They don’t make a huge impact on our lives. Come and gone, these, the very light shade of gray, the losses that make barely an scratch. We don’t suffer much from these. 

Medium gray

The more concentrated shades of gray have a more lasting effect. They go deeper and disrupt our lives for a longer period of time. These losses bring grief that we can’t shake as easily. This might be the loss of someone we know fairly well but aren’t close friends with. Our lives may be shaken but not broken. We think of the loss daily or several times a day at first but as time goes on the loss fades to that lighter shade of gray and eventually goes white. 

Dark Gray

As I look out my window at a building across from me, I see a dark shade of gray painted on part of the railing on a balcony. That shade of dark gray reminds me of the depths of a significant loss and the grief that accompanies it.

The sudden loss of a job that shuts down your ability to provide for your family, the loss of a close friend, the diagnosis of a serious but treatable disease. Grief kicks in with force. Your life is changed significantly and forcefully with repercussions that last.

This shade of deep gray grief stays with you for quite some time. It causes topsy-turviness and the grief ebbs slowly. It leaves a scar. You will remember this loss and the grief but eventually life becomes normal again. You find another job, you miss your friend even as she lives in your heart, your illness is successfully treated. 

Black

Then there is black. Dark and life changing. These are the BIG traumatic losses.

What you once knew as normal is no longer.  These losses bring the most gut wrenching grief. The grief that you feel will never ever stop. The grief that hits at the very core of you. This is brutal loss and grief.

Here resides the loss of a child, loss of a spouse or partner, war atrocities, devastation. These pits feel insurmountable. You feel grief has invaded your very being to the point of it defining your life. You feel dead inside, each day a bad dream that you desperately want to wake from.

In the end, grief hurts emotionally, physically, spiritually.

Pets

A word about the loss of pets. Most often our pets are considered family members and treated as such. When we lose these dear family members, we grieve as we do when we lose a human family member. Our loss is felt as acutely. 

Good News

The good news is that no matter the shade of grief, there is hope.

Hope!

Yes, even with the black shade of grief with its life changing grief, there is hope and a new normal emerges. The road there has rocks strewn around which can make the journey challenging but oh, so, worth it. 

Most often what we need as we grieve is someone to listen….and listen…. and listen again. That’s part of the healing process. Please reach out to me if you are struggling with a shade of grief. All shades of grief matter.

For more on grief counseling click here.