What if the relationship that’s supposed to be your safest turned out to bring you the most harm? Or, if the person who hurt you, remained hidden behind a lovely maternal mask? 

The unthinkable, the unbelievable, the pain, the hurt you feel….a mother who seems not to love you as you are. When you put on your logical thinking cap, this cannot be possible. Yet, in your heart, your emotional center, you feel so fragile, so angry, so….guilty.

Do you feel pulled in different directions by what you observe and by what you feel? 

Sadly, this is a pretty common occurrence, much more common than you might think. You are not alone.

Narcissistic  Mothers

But let’s back up…

Mothers are usually the epitome of acceptance, love, and guidance. There for us when the rest of the world disappears, holding us in our most vulnerable moments.

This is what a mother does.

Until she doesn’t….As in the case of a narcissistic mother.

Narcissism is a term tossed around carelessly on many platforms. However, it’s a very real thing. And being raised by a narcissistic mother can impact you clear down to the core.

Here’s how.

Negative Relationship Patterns

Unable to properly attach to anyone stable or secure, you may internalize the idea that there is no such thing as a “safe” relationship.

Assuming everyone is out to “get” something from you, relationships become more like threats. Although you may long for love, it’s not uncommon for children of narcissistic mothers to shut people out.

Another common reaction is to become clingy or needy, desperately latching onto any little bit of attention that comes your way.

Chronic Self-Blame

It’s not as if you could have just walked down the street, found a new mother, and started life all over again. Rather, you had to find a way to cope with the abuse. 

Thus, you may have tried to improve yourself so that your mother would finally accept you, be happy, or love you. 

In adulthood, you may find yourself doing the same thing. Rather than embracing a healthy self-esteem, you may see yourself as the reason for you or your partner’s unhappiness instead of the cause just being a bad day at work, for example.

Obsessive Dislike for Own Needs

Take chronic self-blame a step further and you may even grow to despise your own needs.

Children of narcissistic mothers tend to neglect self-care more than anyone else. Always serving your mother’s unspoken demands, you’ve learned to watch for signals of discontent.

Catering to everyone else and making sure they’re happy, you may organize your entire life around other people’s happiness. For some, this could result in seeing their own needs as a weight or a burden to others.

Following the Narcissistic Footsteps

Narcissism is a form of abuse.

Although people don’t plan to become narcissists, it obviously happens. In the case of having a narcissistic mother, it’s as if you simply join forces instead of fighting them.

If you naturally have a more assertive nature and tend to take life by the horns, this may be the reason you followed in her footsteps. You may have always tried to be the center of attention or the loudest in the room, assuming this was the only way to win love.

If your nature is to be more placating or retiring, you buckle under the constant narcissism of your mother and try to subdue her and yourself. 

Overly Vigilant Approach to Life

The more abusive your mother was the more likely she was to traumatize you. For some, this means dealing with symptoms not unlike post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Anxiety, sleep issues, nightmares, eating disorders, and a constant fear of what the future holds may be all too familiar happenings for you.

When the world revolves around your mother, you may start to fear that your own world could vanish at any minute. That dread for the future is actually quite common in children of narcissistic mothers.

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Clearly, narcissistic mothers set their children up to live life constantly running up against a figurative brick wall. 

With the negative patterns and emotional destruction, it can be difficult to overcome the core damage your mother caused. A therapist can actually teach you to identify the harmful effects of narcissistic parenting and help you to recover from them.

Please, reach out to me today if you’re ready to take the next step towards healing.

For more information on mother – daughter relationship counseling click here.