It’s baffling to think of a mother-daughter relationship in congruence with distress, even toxicity.

After all, those should be on separate planets.

Still, many people face the pain and struggle of troubled mother-daughter relationships. And further still, some don’t even realize it.

If you’re like most people, you have an innate belief of what a mother should be—a Mother Earth type of figure. More than half the population sees this epic standard come to life.

But those who don’t often feel distressed and struggle with the feeling that something’s just not right.

Here are the some of the signs that can tell you what’s really going on between you and your mother.

YOU FEEL INVALIDATED

Human children instinctively need and seek out closeness from their mothers. Much of this needed security comes from you, as the child, feeling heard, important, and validated.

But perhaps your mother asks what you want from her in a certain situation and then proceeds to do the exact opposite. Naturally, you wouldn’t feel like she listened to you or respected your opinion. Daughters with mothers who are disrespectful like that often deal with intense low self-esteem, feelings of unworthiness, and self-doubt.

You may find yourself on a constant search for validation that seldom comes.

YOU’RE LIVING LIKE A PUPPET 

Do you feel like your mother tries to control your life? Maybe she pushes activities or decisions on you, saying it’s for your own good.  It’s a “mother knows best” scenario taken way too far.

Essentially, the message your mother sends to you with her behavior and words is that you can’t make good decisions. She may even bring up past mistakes that you’ve made to drive her point home. Not only does this instill a deep sense of inadequacy within you, but you learn that trusting yourself is useless.

Much like the invalidating mother mentioned above, this type of toxicity makes you feel that you don’t really matter.

YOU CAN’T RELY ON HER

In toxic mother-daughter relationships, the roles are sometimes reversed. The daughter plays the grown-up role—and may have done so from a young age—while the mother acts like a responsibility-free child. Many daughters of addicts, for instance, face this dilemma.

Another jagged pill is that her demeanor is unreliable. Even from one day to the next, you’re not sure if the supportive and loving mom will show up or the one who wants to declare war on you.

Not only does this crush any sense of trust you’ve developed, but it also feeds into self-blame, feelings of rejection, and resentment.

YOU’RE EMOTIONALLY HUNGRY

It’s not that your mother has abandoned you or that she’s cruel. She’s not mean in the least bit. It’s mostly that she’s not emotionally available.

She’s doesn’t serve as that emotional support that you need. Rarely does she hug you or reach out to comfort you emotionally. She even shies away from any sort of intimate connection with you, leaving you feeling extremely disconnected from her.

Toxicity of this nature often leaves you feeling clingy and needy in your other relationships. It’s almost like you’re constantly on the search for love and some sort of security.

YOU’RE IN A MATERNAL CHOKEHOLD 

If your mother is the typical “stage mom,” then you’re undoubtedly in a maternal chokehold. To your mother, there is no such thing as boundaries. And if there were, she would certainly have a backstage pass to nearly everything in your life.

Possibly to live out her dreams through you, your mother drives you to achieve more and more. You likely feel that you live on a short leash and nothing is truly ever good enough. Winning your mother’s love and reclaiming your independence seems like an impossible feat. It leaves you feeling smothered, used, exploited, and exhausted.

This “dance, monkey, dance” kind of lifestyle makes you feel like an accessory or a trophy rather than a beloved daughter.

Get started…

If you’re ready to improve your life and put an end to the toxic impact the relationship with your mother has on your well-being, I would love to help you. Please reach out so that together we can formulate a game plan for you to reach your goals.

For more information on mother – daughter relationship counseling click here.