TROUBLED MOTHER-DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIPS

Socially and culturally we have the vision of loving, close relationships between mothers and their children. After all, mothers have given birth to their children or specifically chosen them as adopted children. Mothers are bonded with their children are they not?

It is said that mothers and sons have a particular bond, being of opposite gender. Is it not expected that mothers and daughters, who have in common their gender, be as close and understand each other? Isn’t it inevitable that mothers would love their daughters and sons “to the moon and back”? 

Thankfully, the majority of mothers and daughters do have excellent relationships.

Sadly, this is not always the case. There are also a large number of poor relationships between mothers and daughters.

TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

These are frequently called “toxic relationships”. Poisonous to the extent of sabotage, spitefulness, cruelty, or envy. What this amounts to is abuse. This abuse is primarily psychological but can also include emotional, physical, sexual, financial and/or spiritual or religious abuse. 

Unfortunately, many mothers and daughters have a habitual history of conflict. The conflict may be chaotic, distant, argumentative, discriminatory, shut down, back stabbing, messy, dishonest or any number of other behaviors. They may feel something is “not right” with their relationship with the other but not be able to pin it down to anything in particular.

A FACADE IS CREATED

There’s an overall pervasiveness of unrest or anxiousness. The abuse is often hidden from others and daughters are reluctant to invite friends over. Sometimes these abusive mothers or daughters display a face of love and care but behind the scenes are nasty and cruel. Toxic mother-daughter relationships are rampant with psychological and/or emotional abuse. (kcounselingdenver.com/narcissistic-mothers-and-their-children)

MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS

What does a daughter or mother do when she wants to have a relationship with her mother/daughter but feels constantly that she is attacking her or ignoring her?

Questions and frustration and anger and despair define feelings a daughter/mother has about her mother/child. Feelings of ambivalence well up. “Because she’s my mother, I want to have a relationship with her but whenever I try, it doesn’t work out the way I’d hoped.” “What’s wrong with me?” “What’s wrong with her?” 

What’s going on? How can this be? Aren’t mothers supposed to love, support, and encourage their daughters? Don’t they want the very best for their daughters?

When young, daughters often don’t know that other mothers are different from their mother. Only when they become older and learn from their friends, do they begin to see that their mothers don’t behave like other mothers. How perplexing it is for these young children. 

MOTHERS OR DAUGHTERS WHO CANNOT LOVE

Mothers or daughters who cannot or will not love their daughters/mothers are damaged women. They may have been raised by similar mothers or mother figures or have mental health, personality disorders or addiction problems and this is the only way of behaving they know. Some mothers are in competition with their daughters for attention or because they actually hate seeing their daughter succeed or with opportunities they have never had. Some mothers or daughters, sadly, just don’t know how to love. 

THERE IS HOPE

What is happening here is heartbreaking for mothers and daughters who want to have a good relationship. Fortunately, help is available.

It is possible to understand and manage these relationships to minimize the pain they feel. You can learn how to find relief, to detach completely if necessary or to chose how you would like the relationship to work for you. You do not have to be at the mercy of what your mother or daughter demands. (families.media/healing-from-a-toxic-parent) It is sad that you have to face this kind of situation but you can, nevertheless, live a freer life full of hope and love. 

Call me at 303-803-3127 to make an appointment

and learn the steps to take to release from toxicity.